(An empty table and chairs at the MFAH, 08/2023 – D3OL)
Can helping cause more harm than good? That all depends on where the drive to help is coming from. As of right now, I have been able to identify three different drivers for someone wanting to help. The first reason is that they want to feel needed, so they offer their help to get that feeling. The second reason is that the help they give is being used to distract the helper from what they are truly meant to do. The final reason is that they want to change someone’s negative circumstance and have the means to do so. I want to further expand on my points.
Offering Help to Feel Wanted.
When these types of people offer to help someone, they are doing so to feel better about themselves. I believe they think that if they are not constantly providing value to the lives of others, then they are effectively useless. Including the fact that having this type of mentality translates into low self-esteem, it can also produce additional problems. The main one being it can build internal animosity towards the recipient of the assistance.
You might be wondering how this might be the case. When the helper is helping the recipient for a while, the helper will start to wonder why the recipient isn’t doing anything for them. They are doing all this work to make the recipient’s life better and they can’t receive some sort of gesture showcasing their appreciation? Now, all of this conflict has to happen within the mind of the helper because if they communicate how they are feeling to the recipient, one of two things may happen.
Either the recipient is going to feel bad/upset because they were under the impression the helper was doing this out of the kindness of their heart. Or the recipient will flat out say “Well, I didn’t ask for your help. (This only applies if the recipient did not ask for help)” Hearing this would absolutely crush the helper because a) it is true, the recipient didn’t ask for the helper’s help b) they now feel unwanted and useless. To avoid all of this, the helper will say nothing. Thus avoiding the potential confrontation but building the internal resentment that will come out one way or another.
Offering Help to Distract One selves
I have noticed that this motive to help often comes when the helper is holding off on doing something they know will be beneficial for them. They will have all the pieces, resources, and tools at their disposal but they will prioritize helping others achieve their goals. Now, while I don’t believe it is inherently bad to want to serve others, you shouldn’t try to do so without making sure your needs are taken care of.
I think this type of motive also stems from a lack of self-esteem. The helper doesn’t believe that they are worth the investment, so they would rather use their skill set to help others build their dreams. A theory I have on why they may be so scared is because when something does not go according to plan, they can look to their “master” and ask for guidance. When they are serving themselves, they no longer have anyone to answer to. They are the ones solely responsible for their success and that is a scary idea for many people.
To the people who have done/do this type of helping, just ask yourself, “where would you be if you invested 10% of the energy you invest into others?” I can guarantee that your life trajectory would change for the better in the long run. As a side note, I want people to understand that I am not offering solutions to these problems, I am more so looking to bring this to people’s attention who may not know. The first step to recovery is awareness. You can’t fix a problem you don’t know exists.
Assume Helping Will Come at Your Expense
For someone to help another, they must be in a better situation than the latter. With this in mind, there should be no expectation that the help given will be repaid in any way, shape, or form. Having that expectation can affect the efficacy of the provided assistance. So whenever you decide to help someone, assume that the person will never pay you back. It will be better for your consciousness in the long run. We’ve discussed how one should operate when they decide to help but nothing has been mentioned on if you should help someone or how you should help them.
To make this simpler, I will be using an experience that has personally happened to me.
I like to believe I am very generous when it comes to providing assistance. I sense that someone may be in need, and I am the first one there asking if they need anything. I have done this for a while with no issues until recently. A friend had approached me with an emergency that could be fixed through financial means. I send them the amount they were asking for and they say they’re going to pay me back. I say “no problem” because I am not pressed for it and their situation seemed dire. The time comes to pay me back and they don’t say anything. Couple days go by and I ask them about it. They say they need more time and I’m like cool.
I share a mutual friend with them so it was a good chance that I was going to cross paths. Up until the point where I had lent them the money, I would see them all the time and we’d chop it up. However, after I started coming around again, I noticed that I wasn’t seeing them as often. I’m thinking in my head “They’re probably at work.” or something like that. This happens a couple more times until I ask our mutual friend about it. They suggested that I wasn’t seeing this friend because they were actually avoiding me. I say “Why?”, they talking ‘bout “It’s cause they owe you, and I guess they feel bad.”
I won’t lie to you, that ruined my mood. Like we’re letting money do this to us? I didn’t think it was that deep at all. Later in the week, my mom is telling me stories on how she did the same thing but on a much larger scale. She was telling me how money she lent three years ago, she still hasn’t seen a third of it. She wraps up by telling me what money can do to friendships and how I shouldn’t be so willing to help if situations like this ever come up. This leads me to my next point. If I know I have the means to solve a problem, should I purposefully withhold my resources? Is it okay if I watch them potentially suffer over this issue?
Since my last blog post, I have been thinking of that question. The best answer I have been given was to give an amount you wouldn’t blink to if you didn’t get it back.
In other news, I finally posted on my Instagram. Before this, I had made my first post on the 22nd of April. What I had in mind for this recent post was something very “low-effort”. For the most part, it was low effort, since it took a total of 8 hours (this is including the time it took to learn the new software). The main reason why it even took so long was because every artboard that I designed was in the wrong aspect ratio. This meant that I had to redraw all of them all over again. Best believe I was not happy. To be honest, I am loving how it turned out. With the amount of effort it took to the end product, I am really pleased with my work overall. I will say, I had to monitor my mood when it came to checking the interactions it was getting when I posted. However, I turned off likes because it truly doesn’t matter who is seeing my work, just as long as it is being put out there.
In terms of what is next, I am currently working on another new medium. I cannot spoil it just yet but you’ll have to stick around and wait for an update. I got the materials for it this Monday but I have been procrastinating. I mean, I know why I am procrastinating but doing something about it is my main issue. I am scared I will not do a good job, and I am so focused on the result. However, like Naval said in his podcast episode “How to Get Rich”, one has to be impatient with execution, but patient when it comes to the results. You can only control the input so leave the output to God and carry on. Ill also include a link to the post in case you missed it!
As usual, I will be wrapping the blog post up with a song recommendation. This song is “old” but it’s new to me. The song is Everything by The Black Skirts.
D3OL 
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